With no parent to stop things they have not learned how to control themselves and God help you if you get in the way of a child who has needed to be narcissistic in order to survive. Very few Spaniards are in the Texas foster care system. Recently he kicked a hole in the wall. My husband and I are about to begin classes next month, and reading this post and all of the shares of others has been sobering. We were foster to adopt parents for almost 5 years for two babies. Now, if you believe that all of this is true that’s fine, I won’t argue with you (you’d be wrong, anyway). We have had no regrets in taking guardianship of his older brother who has added so much joy and love to our lives. So many many things have happened that I say all the time if I had known the real “cost” my decision would have been different. We got the call that a baby with a leg cast and a fractured skull needed a home. She had us both. This has been the most humiliating, degrading, heartbreaking thing that has ever happend to me including the death of my only daughter. Maybe not. My guess is that it’s because they don’t have to pay out as much support as for non-kin placements. Knowing these children have been deprived in teaching even the simplest of life-skills that make for a functional family, and knowing that they are a product of the environment they have been subjected to, does not make it easier in not becoming overwhelmed and frustrated no matter how strong you are. I was running my life, it was not running me. Do you have reason to fear? But my life is so much more enriched for having my mini man, as much as my house is a warzone and my neighbors think we’re crazy and I dissolve in self pity on some days. However  the road there was quite dark. During the waiting period you need to keep up with your state training, .i.e. This is my opinion. For babies we are up several times a night to feed and change a child who is not our own. I have two siblings in foster care for a few years and am finding it harder and harder to cope with the deceipt, scheming and lies especially from the girl who is a teenager. Often they are simply unprepared for the level of care that these children need. We are currently only looking to respite foster and then work up to regular fostering. Regardless of the best of intentions, as white people we do have certain privileges and develop certain thoughts/beliefs that perpetuate racism. But they won’t. The Meth relapse rate is officially 92%. To the extent that North America was built on ‘white privilege’/racism, and that those who are not visibly of the ‘white race’ face extra barriers to success; perhaps the state-training/cultural sensitization could be more effective if it provided that kind of a context, rather than being delivered as a ‘personal attack’.. But everyone’s experience is unique. This post has been read 10’s of thousands of times since I posted it. Because, quite frankly, we get shit on a lot. Those neural pathways are formed in early years, and exposing a child to nothing but detrimental behaviours leaves almost irreversible damage (as detailed by your’s and others’ experiences). As an example, respite care for foster families is a HUGE help. To Michelle, i am not trying to guilt you for giving the baby back, obviously you were not ready for that experience, but the reality is that lots of babies biological or not cry and keep you up all night. Thank you soooo much for being honest. It was and still is the most difficult thing I have ever been through. We tried getting help from the county who we adopted from when he was 10. I’ve read a few articles that sugar coat foster parenting. I’ve had to deal with a child that has no understanding of morals, manners, angry issues, and his laziness and aggressive behavior , He is seven, some days he is forty with street knowledge of all types of drugs and after a visit he is two, right back to bedwetting and eating with his fingers and full of fear as he praises his parent for playing ball for thirty minutes. I don’t know how you have the energy to do it but i guess God gives us the strength we need to get through each day. This worker knew less then the children worker and that didn’t sit well with us. As long as they don’t interfere with the caregiver, they can do anything they want. You try to find who the parents are. Foster Parent Stories; May 16, 2017; 0 Likes “God has called us to be instruments of love for these amazing, beautiful children” – Meet Nicole: During this National Foster Care Month, Nicole, who has been fostering children for just a few months now, shares this perspective on being a foster parent. We made so much progress in one year, I just wish I had a fast forward button for the next year. It is not about you or people like you. to parents who know (KNOW!) While I do feel a ‘duty’ to foster, I will not proceed if, after further education, I believe it will be detrimental to my family. I had no reason to doubt I could be their savior and mom having also been a successful business owner for 28 years, a fill fledged entrepreneur, a TCI certified turnaround coach, life coach and domestic violence counselor. the baby had broken ribs, bruises, cuts, and so forth. I am hoping we can turn him around before permanent damage is done and I am afraid if we do the foster care route he will be placed back with her only to see more of the same domestic violence and drug use. My take-away from it was that (A) every parent who wants to foster should read it, just in case you end up with a child who’s been through that, and that (B) children who have experienced severe sexual trauma should if possible be placed in homes without other children, so the parent can devote virtually all of their non-working time to that child and their extensive needs. The filmmaker got a surprise when a family of addicts allowed them into their house. Many children brought into foster care were allowed to do anything they wanted as long as it didn’t interfere with what their parents were doing be it Meth, Cocaine, partner abuse or simple neglect. After, you are told this is the second round of Cps intervention. Very interesting read. Some children come from terrible situations within their biological families and they will be helped in a home where there is love and support; at times foster care can provide more opportunity and a better quality of life than a traditional family. With a wonderful daughter of 23 right out of college and already rising up the ladder of success, and an awesome 11 year old adopted son who I had raised from birth; the mental calculation and decision took all of one minute to say yes, when the Department of Child and Human Services approached me to take in a relatives children. Well, 7 children in a two or 3 bedroom house doesn’t work either. But afterwards, you are nothing but a passing thought; someone for them to call, text, visit and collect mounds of paperwork from. We would sit there and rock with her and just enjoy her presence. Stable, reliable and have a lot to give. We just sent one away we couldn’t help. Yet, I keep reading blogs about what it’s really like to foster and it scares me. That sexual abuse the others go threwthrough. No emails no phone calls from the childern’s worker for almost 3 days.. Until we got the call they would be moved on day 4. But no significant problems notwithstanding you get approved and you are on your way to making a difference in these children’s lives. You writings meant a lot to me and I’m glad I got a second point of view. My advice to anyone going through the foster care system is to utilize the services offered to you. Kids get bounced around the system because foster parents get burned out (yes, I am sure that there are negative examples in many cases). In the 70 cases they have, they have the luxury of not developing strong emotional bonds to the children. I am kind and loving but can be firm when it’s required. The inability to visit them scares me. The poverty is a symptom, but it is not the cause. We had an initial info session a few months ago, now are 8hrs through 24 hrs of training, and then if we are still interested we can sign all the confidentiality papers, start the official application & begin the 2-3 month home study. I was actually pretty good at it. We were both in our late twenties and felt we would adopt. Every family we know who has fostered has had this kind of attitude. And you survey so many of the foster mommy blogs about how tough it is and how hard it is, but they’re “doing it for Jesus” which “makes all the difference.” In the meantime there are hordes of other people who ask why they’re not like that and have that guilt heaped upon them. If members of a certain race tend to demonstrate certain attributes (good or bad) and a person makes a judgment call regarding an individual person’s attributes on account of some trend within a racial group, that is not racism, that is stereotyping. In this case, me. During the training I got to learn about the anti-psychotics and psychotropic medications that I probably will never be giving to children in my home. For example, no one will look at a white person and, based on their RACE ALONE, assume any of the following: this person is a thief, lazy, uneducated, unable to speak English, violent, poor, untrustworthy, or comes from a bad family. What this assertion does is equivocate between Racism and judgment calls (sometimes legitimately, sometimes not). I was moved from her home after a different parent had finished her training hours to be licensed and wanted to try fostering. Everybody needs to do so, not just white people. He had 3 other foster only family placements before he was matched with us (adoption only). Babies crying out in the night in horror and falling out of bed during their nightmares. So thank you all, and thank you for the comfort and the reality that it really is worth all the pain, because I honestly can’t imagine life being any different now. Article and advertisements that state “All they need is a little love”. His story and his actions have become my nightmare. The responded by giving us 400.00 a month plus a list of therapists phone numbers and we never heard from them again. If I am to acquiesce to a pronouncement of guilt I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for evidence. .but im praying so hard that my babies were were graced with a foster family as selfless and kind hearted as you displayed in your opinion article!!! I have no idea how people do it or if I could. I think you will find the concepts to be quite interesting. In collage I did a lot of research about the foster care system and the emotional and developmental problems that come along with these children, so that part of your post was no shock to me. Being the only child In your home makes it a lot easier as well. Make it harder to remove kids, but easier to terminate parental rights once the kids have been removed. But look look for guidance, prayer, and a community of people who are willing to support you, whatever path you choose. and build a happy family. At this time, we drive 80 miles for the two hour visit on rural roads to a town that has one sonic that of course, the other family members wait at for the visit to end. I think, the parents that are the reason to begin, should pay monthly support and provide gas money to the care giver’s. Just curious! When you first sign up to be a foster parent you go through a bureaucratic anal probe the likes of which is only legal for the state to do. Racism is the belief that one race is inherently superior/inferior or has superior/inferior qualities than another race, with the sole basis being race. Say there was a family emergency and you needed to drive to the next state to help out. I cannot explain to you how much damage this family caused by all their good intentions. I’ve gone to a gynecologist appointment and had to warn them about the bloody pinch marks and bruises on my legs and that it was my child, not my husband. My husband and I have been foster parents for the last 15 months….for the first time we feel completely understood! But, I think. The 16 year old had to be placed in a group home because she was out of control and was having to be brought home by the police on several occasions. You’ve got some great tips for being a foster parent. It’s not an insult; it just is the way it is. So if anger is the medium (as it clearly is even based off of many of the comments on this blog post, but also in societal discussions at large), and anger is a violation of a worldview, then what is the worldview being violated? Or, that I have stock that needs to be fed before dark thirty. Your little sister was probably better off not going to a home with that foster Dad though, as he probably would have abused her even worse than he abused you and your brothers. Horses are constantly trying to form relationships (due to the herd mentality) and many people have reported good results with it. Let me re-iterate. I even started planning on how I was going to decorate the “little ones” room. Any advice appreciated – parental rights were severed and theoretically the kids are available for “kinship adoption” but they refuse to separate the sibling group Anyone know how to deal with theses people? This post was about the trauma that foster parents go through (i.e. Why am I wanting to cry and scream and pull my hair out all at the same time? I recently attended a foster care seminar. Thank you. And if not, Google is your friend. They were statements about individuals The first one stated that “each child is entitled (ENTITLED!) Although I have the privilege of being an adult now, sometimes I wish I could be a kid again. Thank you for this. How supportive were your parents or siblings? I can not express how sad this made me. The last paragraph alone is astounding. I’ve struggled a lot as a child and I am strong but I want to help other kids who could possible have had the same experience as me. You might try giving him some canvas, some paints, some brushes and some space outside. Siblings do one of two things. Plus, mass texts, that jam up your cell and go into the night at all hours and your normal life and sleep is disrupted. I’ve always wanted to take in needy children, so it’s good to see what the experience is actually like. My wife and I are watching the TV show Once Upon A Time on Netflix. But they go way out of their way to make special trips to visit us and do what they can. Thanks again for sharing. Everyone has their El Guapo. I was looking for another foster parents experience because of what we’ve experienced as foster parents. I have NEVER met and/or worked with a foster kid who has such views. That the emptiness in our culture is resolvable through the use of substances. I am a single business woman working from home as well. I dread visit day for the same reasons…all jacked up & acting out afterwards. Social Worker (SW) told me that if I was going to make an issue of it they would just remove him at first I was afraid they would and then immediately I realized that they have no right to remove him when he was behind on his vaccinations -12 months at the previous foster home he was in and I ended up paying out of my pocket $900 a month for a daycare- I am glad I did it because it caused DCF to realize that they wouldn’t be able to explain why they are paying me $600 a month but I am spending $900 a month on his daycare alone. And I don’t remember any of it. Published on May 24, 2015 as part of Children’s Rights’ “Fostering the Future” campaign. Like many of the bio parents there is a substance abuse issue and incarceration and these two have been in care for 2 1/2+ years while they are still allowing Mom to work on her case plan. These kids are going to need help way past us. Even telling me what I can and can not do with my own children, my home and family is not my own any more. All those articles were pushing foster care for everyone, not bringing up much of the hardships. But what it does is keep poverty from being a sentence handed down. The kids are all excited because they got presents and played the whole time, probably getting totally sugared up and you get to hear about how wonderful the bio-parents are for the next day or two. The boys are still with their birth parents after 6 months despite the court knowing that things are not going well in the home (lots of conflict between the parents who are now splitting up, the mother keeping the children inside all the time, neglect that doesn’t quite reach the level necessary to remove the children). With the foster parent in place that child’s identity is removed and they, quite literally, do not recognize themselves and can react violently due to that loss of identity. But no, I need to acknowledge my own racism (according to the training) because I’m white. The people who are lowest on the totem pole are the Straight Adoption people. 3 kids were reunified with parents with 2 of them being returned shortly to foster because parents were arrested for drugs again. Some black children grow up in communities where the schools have no heat (Baltimore), they have no access to clean water (Flint) and they are shut out from the family life you described. I have been called racist names and treated differently (derogatorily) by Mexicans my whole life based on the color of my skin. And when I was upset she kissed me and check. I am the foster to adopt mom of a 7 year old removed from his bio meth addicted mom for domestic violence (by boyfriend) and neglect. Fostering has been in the back of my mind for a few years now and even though currently I do not have the means to do this I will within the next couple of years, Lord willing. First, let me say, thank you for your honesty and candor. We have been fostering a brother and sister this entire time and we related to all aspects of your post and LOVE the ‘humor’ in your post. Almost 12 percent of kids who had been in foster care had a deceased parent compared to 2.8 percent of all children. We may consider foster-adoption, we may look into regular adoption, we may decide that we want to try having bio kids, we may say to hell with parenting and go on luxurious cruises.. Since I have been old enough to work I have lost job opportunities because I did not speak Spanish, have been passed over for hire because I didn’t get the extra minority points in testing, even though I actually am the minority. Think of the worst things you can think of and much of it is in there, sometimes done to babies. Don’t be offended by it. The  medication training is perhaps the biggest time waste out of all of them. It will always be there. We truly understand and THANKFUL, beyond words, for all that you Foster Parents do. You hit so many issues spot on! me who is a parent) who know that, if they are white, they have benefited from racism.” Each child means “every child” and that transfers, by necessity, to every parent so long as they are white, i.e. I’m saddened that yet another piece of “oh poor me, look at what happened when I tried to be a foster parent” was published for the world to see. Not everyone should foster, though I think that you would find that you can take more than you think you can. Not only would you have less cases of abuse but you’d have more healthy families to handle the cases that persist. I feel for these children. The Foster Parent Experience "We have been doing treatment foster care for over 11 years. With caring for a family members child, you become the black sheep, the thief, the wedge between the child and parent. It’s quite simple. One day you will be able to make your decisions for yourself and you will be accountable and responsible for doing so. I am not suggesting that anyone is ‘racist’ here – just that ‘benefits of white privilege’ have many aspects that can be difficult and unpalatable to trace in our own personal lives..In that light, ..I hope I have not muddied things further here. They don’t deserve to stay in a state of uncertainty and are old enough to understand “permanency” and stability. But I am open to the possibility of error. Interactions with the child welfare agency were the most commonly cited factors affecting foster parent retention. If you are not prepared for that level of commitment and having your heart broken by child, parent and state, multiple times over, then you should not be a foster parent. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Or worse .. have my own child taken away. To my knowledge (and I could be wrong) the information about what happens to children when father’s leave them is not presented. But I know of people who did and how they had to stop fostering because of what it was doing to their family. Let me re-emphasize that sentence to make it clear why that section WAS directed at me. My ultimate goal was to adopt. I feel so understood for the first time! The Explosive Child — Dr. Ross Greene Foster parenting is a team effort dedicated to providing for the safety and well-being of our community’s most vulnerable children. In that case, they have a 70% failure rate. They bend over backwards and always lend a supporting ear and sometimes a shoulder to cry on. But then on Feb 18 at 10:37 I received a reply to an email to our caseworker asking what happened to the person . They can eat what they want, drink what they want, sleep when they want, do what they want. It helps them become more manageable both for the foster parent and for themselves. And there are well over a hundred comments, many from people who have gone through similar ordeals. In the back of my mind I thought, well if we get married I’ll be able to get her convinced to have them. The application is denied with the other party not knowing why. I agree, you have due reason to be offended by the state-allegation of personal ‘racism’ instituted as part of your foster parenting training. I think the black person who replaced my dad was ‘privileged.’ Modern, intentional racism would not exist if morals were better taught–but again, this must happen among all colors. Treat those, particularly item 1, and suddenly the foster care issues would slow to a comparative trickle. That I don’t want to hold his hand, or kiss him goodnight, or even talk to him on some days. The bitterness is gone and in place is a new friendship with a very good family. Thank you. I tell you the truth when I say that I almost destroyed my office in a fit of rage. I agree 100% that we need to cut down the case load of the workers in the system. You as a foster parent and the foster child need a whole lot of stuff for that recipe to be complete. Oh, yes. But, a year is a year and you wait the year because that is what you are expected to do. A private adoption from another country sounds more and more appealing because it completes once that child is placed with you and you bring them into the country. But concerning your fear, this verse popped into mind: “For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.” 2 Tim 1:7. If you have a wife, you have to … To do something to help make permanence an attainable goal for all these children. I was six when a trio of siblings arrived ages six months, eighteen months, and three years old. He has punched a picture frame so he could seize the broken glass. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. But the down side of our case is that the family from whom they were removed would have been placed under investigation and possibly losing their license. And then December 24th, Christmas Eve, 2010 came. Well since it was, every time I asked for help they wouldn’t. That’s where hope is found. So we decided to switch our status to foster-to-adopt. Good things seldom come to us without some of that. I’ll put myself through all this pain so maybe some children can suffer less. Because of the adoption updates I received I usually viewed it from the perspective of having failed kinship placements, seldom thinking about what a “successful” kinship placement looks like and so your story is important to me. Thank you for what you do and I pray for your strength. Ergo, the sentence is a defacto assertion of my racism. But if nobody comes forward and the 90 days pass then you, as the foster parent, are first in line. We adopted again after all that, the sweetest baby girl. And for each of the medications that they are on you have a medication log. But the underlying problem in almost all of them is not the poverty itself. There may be some other aspect of foster/adopt that you are better suited for. The neurons are there, they just might need some help reforming to form relationships. I stumbled across this AWESOME and very true post while researching adjusting to becoming a first-time foster parent. and not give them a free ride while the surrogate parent is heaped with a burden they had nothing to do with. Given the immense effect he had on my life (despite my stubbornness against it) I cannot even imagine the person I would be today if he was not committed to the death to my mother. Doing progress reports each week doesn’t sound great, but I can handle that! I always knew that one day I would be grown and would no longer have to live in strangers’ homes. I noticed that you referred to the “chain of poverty”. I would also hope that when someone comes online to find some kind of support because they are in crisis (and may have no good options in their circle) they would not be chastised by people who know nothing of their situation. I can’t provide any specific advice because I don’t know the dynamics. That is not to say that someone can’t be prejudiced based on other things, such as the clothes you choose to wear or the tattoos you choose to display, but it won’t be because of your race. Don’t rush that. Among other things. Thankfully we were not approved for that one. People from each class no matter working, middle or upper classes, would have most similarity with people from their own class regardless of race. We live in a society with a long history of racism and racist institutions. I didn’t find this post discouraging at all. If you choose to adopt then you get the case file where you find out that the parents weren’t actually “working the plan”. 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